YOLO
i actually can’t look at the title of this post without hearing drake in my head. that song is DOPE!
this last few weeks have been absolutely filled to the brim with miracles. good, old-fashioned miracles. it’s kind of blowing my mind. while i have personally been tripping over myself in an effort to be a decent human being, absolutely incredible things have been happening all around me. i can’t help but be drawn in at this point. it’s as if God’s got a megaphone in my ear yelling, “hello! YOLO!”
yea, God totally says stuff like that.
i can’t talk about all the aforementioned miracles in detail (yet) but….wow! that’s really all i’ve got. big, big things are happening and all i want to do is jump on that happy train and enjoy the ride 
suuuuper cheesy, i know, but sometimes….well, sometimes cheesiness is called for.
so, um. i have nothing good to close with.
YOLO? yea, YOLO.
how to save a life
“you drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.”
- paulo coelho
i tend to stay submerged. i let my thoughts go around and around and around again, with no real attempt to get outside of them. i’m working on it. in fact, i think i’m getting better at it. quotes like this help
i wrote a post awhile ago about how the pursuit of perfection was a beautiful thing. and why not? why shouldn’t we be perfect?
well, we’re human. that’s why.
i find nothing wrong with the pursuit. but i take issue with the way i handle my missteps. i know this is all part of growing up; learning to forgive myself time and again. and i know it will get easier. practice makes perfect, right? perfection in forgiving ourselves would be a beautiful thing to achieve, oxymoron or not.
what if that’s my new goal? instead of striving to never make a mistake, maybe i should try to get up quicker when i do. to say fewer unkind things to myself while i do. to laugh it off, because frankly, that’s often what needs to happen.
ok, ready for something light?
monsieur and i picked out wedding rings this week! we’ve got 66 days to go!!
jumanji
it’s an azealia banks kind of morning. meaning, i’m insanely tired and need some in-your-face-wake-up-already music. and this is it this girl is so dope! i know i can barely call myself a harlemite, seeing as i’ve only been there for 3 and half years, but i’m stoked that she reps “my” neighborhood anyway i love harlem!
i don’t even know why i’m so tired today. i got quite a bit of sleep over the weekend. ah well. such is the monday morning life.
we’re hitting wedding crunch time. there is so much to do!! i must admit that i’ve finally started to get a bit stressed. but we’re going to get through it!!! monsieur is the best teammate of all time. we get so much done together
this entry isn’t coalescing the way i would like. clearly, this coffee is not kicking in.
als0, i’m wearing annoying shoes today. don’t you just hate that?
domesticated hockey goddess
the monsieur and i are attending a fancy wedding this weekend. black tie (optional)! which i immediately took to mean, in the immortal words of pierce hawthorne, “dah-doi, BLACK TIE!”
(watch community. in particular, watch their law & order episode from last week)
i ordered a fabulous black gown for the affair, but when it arrived, a couple of beads were hanging by their threads at the back of the utterly fantastic collar necklace portion of the dress. what to do? i figured i’d drop this gem off at the tailor and have them fix it for me. incorrect. they took one look at it and announced that the beads were too small to fix. what? that seems ridiculous, right? or is that just me?
anyways, it was time for plan B. which i didn’t have. there was no time to get it to my future mother-in-law (who is such a macgyver of a woman!); she would have fixed this thing in about 20 seconds. i also didn’t have the time to find another tailor in east harlem. it is so hard to find a tailor up here! thanks a lot, UES. i know you’re stealing all of them.
so plan B became DIY.
i went to target to see about finding supplies. turns out they have a tiny singer section that has everything i could have possibly needed. i picked up a mini-sewing kit for $2.49 and headed home.
i finally found the guts to attempt the repair while watching some hockey. the display of raw grit inspired me. i was nervous! what if i tore the thing up?! i would be screwed. no black tie makes suni a sad girl.
but guess what? I FIXED IT!!!!! look, if i actually show anyone this repair, they are going to laugh at how simple it was and question my level of excitement. but this was a big deal, dangit!!
all this to say, the black tie (optional) wedding is getting a serious upgrade in enjoyment level, simply due to the pure satisfaction that comes with fixing a problem yourself.
happy thursday!
(why isn’t it friday yet?!)
dollface
i guess being told you look like a doll isn’t always a bad thing! i experienced an amazing makeover last thursday, courtesty of my new buddy henry. this dude is a freaking magician.
i’m not writing enough. that struck me again (for the 23980985048 time) while i was on the way back from my beauty adventure.
my entries have been super emo lately, which is one reason i’ve been a bit reluctant to write. however, after paging through some old posts, i’m feeling the vibe again. so here we go!
veil shopping. what on earth am i supposed to look for? it’s really confusing shopping for a veil. it’s not something you ever use in day to day life, so how are you supposed to know what looks good? what makes a veil look good?? i am so utterly lost. i kind of like bubble veils? i don’t know. help me, internet. or, interwebs (as you new yorkers like to refer to it).
last night was a bad night for NY sports. the mets lost, the rangers lost, the knicks lost and amare lost his mind. sigh. thank goodness the knicks are only my second team 
and the mets are still above .500!! we’re winning!!! (monsieur always tells me i’m not supposed to say things like that in baseball, because of the potentially destructive jinx-related consequences. i can’t help myself).
my parents were in town last week!! it was such a wonderful visit. they got to meet all of monsieur’s siblings, which was particularly fun. i was especially pleased to witness my father taunt my future bro-in-law with his cowboys jacket. the apple doesn’t fall from the tree, folks.
they also got to spend a ton of time with my future mother and father-in-law, which was also very cool. the moms had so much bonding time over worrying about things! 
we got a lot of stuff done while we they were here…well, actually. let me rephrase that. we accomplished about one thing a day. that might be my fault, since i was dosing myself with nyquil every night and taking an especially long time to get moving in the mornings. but whatevs! we had a great time. and i now have most of my wedding jewelry. eeeeeeeekkk!!!!
the next big ticket item is shoes. i can’t go beyond 2 inches for dress reasons. which, to be honest, i’m pretty happy about. while i love how high heels look, the inevitable foot cramps greatly lessen the experience.
hm, what else, what else. my fridge is PACKED with food. are you hungry? do you want indian food? some leftover tasting dishes? pizza? i’ve got it. come on over.
working out is going really well!!! (good thing i’m talking about this right after detailing the inordinate amount of food in my apartment) i’ve lost some weight, and i’m quite pleased about it. i’m feeling more muscly and fit. except when i play the zumba fitness game, which absolutely destroys me every single time. why is it so hard?! there is this one swing dance that just SLAYS me. oh, and anything latin. i have no footwork skills. i just end up stumbling around in some sort of circle attempting to move quickly so that i’m still getting a sweat on. which, to be clear, is not difficult. i am usually sweating about 2 minutes into the first song. that game is NO JOKE.
back to the sports thing; there are too many sports on right now!!!! i honestly can’t keep up. i was so thrilled when the NHL landed a deal that put every playoff game on primetime tv. but now i’m stuck in a moral dilemma every night!!! the rangers and the kings were on at the same time last night, and i was dyyyyying. i missed three kings’ goals while trying to click around to catch all the action. i need one of those giant 90 inch tvs so i can have four screens going at once. yea, that’s a need. right? come on. humor me here.
alright, i think that was enough of a spastic entry for the time being.
oh, btw.
82 DAYS TIL WE GET MARRIED!
dreamcatchers
have you ever had a dream that exposed all your insecurities, leaving you with those things as your first thought the moment you woke up?
i had one of those last night. it’s as if the entire night of sleep has been stolen from you, because while you might be physically rested, you are immediately emotionally drained.
i was proud of myself though. the minute i realized what had happened, i started giving myself a pep talk, albeit a drowsy one, to snap out if it and remember that all that was just a dream. i also asked God to assist in keeping it from my thoughts.
it’s still my least favorite way to wake up.
but at least it’s a friday!!! not just any friday, but good friday. a day to remember that all of those dark parts of ourselves can be put to death for good. it’s fully possible. i just have to grasp it.
so i’m going to choose to walk away from these parts of myself sullied by mistakes and betrayals. i’m going to let that die. because that’s not my future. it’s not even my present. it’s my past, and it’s gone.
yesterday does not dictate our today. and today does not dictate our tomorrow.
happy good friday, everyone
re-design, heyo!
oooo, wordpress did a little work on their site! i love it!!!!
disclaimer: this post will be all over the place.
i’m watching the bachelor, and they are in switzerland. holy moses, this place is beauuuuuuuuutiful. i must, must, must go there. i know, as monsieur says, it’s every indians’ dream (thank you, bollywood). but really! my goodness!!! i am in awe. this is easily the best place they’ve ever gone on the bachelor. wooooo buddy!
***
fast forward to 12 days later. i am finally work on this post again. the bachelor is over, and he picked a lame-o. he seemed kind of whack himself towards the end of it though. oh well, there goes my favorite dramatic show!
not really.
cos mad men is back in a just over a week!!!!!!!
but in even better news…deepa is here tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(see, this post is STILL all over the place)
i’m in a fantastic mood today. i finally got a good night of sleep and the sun is shiiiiiiiining. plus, my wedding dress is at my apartment! i have a wedding dress!!!! wooo hooooooo!!!
also, spring has arrived! (too many exclamation points, i know, i know) we’re even planning on our first mets game
ok, on to the more substantial stuff. i’ve been reading game of thrones. reading is hardly the word for it, i’ve become completely obsessed with game of thrones. i’m on a little bit of a break right now since i owe it to my fabulous book club to read our book before we meet, but i’m itching to get back. although, to be fair, this book club book is gripping. it’s called “unbroken” and it follows a man named louis zamperini, primarly through his dire days as a POW in japan during WWII. it’s truly shocking to read some of the things he’s gone through.
the other thing that’s been occupying my mind is the kony 2012 campaign. i was intrigued, so i did a lot of research. and everything i came across indicated that the invisible children founders were misleading and naive. guys…i’m all about “doing something” to change the world. but heaven forbid we actually consult with the residents of a country we hope to “help.” i mean, come on peeps! everyone (with serious experience) agrees that the war is no longer in uganda, and that taking out kony VIA US MILITARY INTERVENTION is not the answer. that is exactly what invisible children is attempting to accomplish through their campaign. through kony 2012 they hope to raise awareness -> pushing on the US government -> increasing US military presence in uganda in order to alleviate the issue. what are we fighting for here????? yes, bringing kony to justice would be admirable and even commendable. but at what cost? and at what end result? there are a plethora of quality non-profits in uganda, and you know why they don’t get press? it’s because they don’t spend a substantial amount of their budget on slick advertising to draw youtube clicks.
let’s grow up. let’s wake up. there are many organizations doing GREAT work in uganda. so why support this one? cool t-shirts? a bracelet? do some research, and you will find numerous ways to channel your funds. kony 2012 supporters want to lambast the critics by saying that “critics are apathetic, and what’s so wrong in trying to help even if it’s not perfect?” well guess what? there are better ways, betters orgs, better methods. all it takes is a few google searches. i refuse to feel bad for not wanting to support a flawed charity organization. simply because more competent ones exist.
that’s my rant. get at me, son!!!!!
you gotta be one with the slope, bro
quick update on the monsieur and i’s snowboarding adventure:
the lesson was a success! i enjoyed snowboarding again!
then i was too tired to make it down the bunny slope with the fiance, haha. i need to work on my core strength and my balance. do i sound like a p90x ad yet?
we’re going out to the mountain (well, a new mountain) again this weekend. practice, practice, practice! you’re talking about practice? we’re talking about practice? not a game, not a game, not a game. practice?
(if that quote isn’t familiar to you, who are you and why do we know each other? practice?)
(i kid, but seriously, that’s a a great iverson moment)
many things have transpired since conquering snowboarding dominated my thoughts. for instance, whitney houston has left us 
i didn’t expect to feel so sad. it’s not like i wasn’t aware of all the stories of her substance abuse. but hearing the news, i was suddenly struck by how much her voice shaped my own passion for singing. i tried to sing like whitney so frequently when i was a kid! whitney and mariah were some of my earliest coaches. her voice was epic. i’ve been reading a slew of articles about her since her passing, and what’s really stuck with me is how multiple writers referred to her vocal talent as more akin to an athletic ability than an aesthetic gift. she’s been compared to michael jordan, tiger woods, etc. and it’s true. there was a prowess to her voice that left you expecting that myheartjustdroppedintomystomach note every single time she sang. and she was effortless! it was breathtaking to watch.
i’ll miss you, whitney.
in honor of ms. houston, here are a few mashups i’ve been obsessively listening to for the last few days -
enjoy the jams and happy long weekend!
dog tags
the running theme in my life this week has been identity. what do i really believe about who i am and where i stand?
i’ve been reading rob bell’s latest book. bell has become a pretty controversial author in evangelical circles, owing to the subject matter of his latest book; namely, heaven and hell. personally, i’m in love with this book. he’s not talking about anything entirely shocking. really, he’s just saying a lot of things that are very, very true. this book is life-giving. it reminds me of everything i believe at my very core, and is pushing me to live for more.
one of the pieces of the book that really got to me was a portion in which bell was discussing the story of the prodigal son. he was describing the son’s homecoming and how he was rehearsing the speech he was going to deliver to his dad upon his return. basically, he was going to offer himself up as hired help, since he was fully convinced that his dad had no desire to take him back in. if i were this kid, i imagine my speech would go something like this -
“ok, so i’ll start out by apologizing. profusely. i know dad needs extra hands around the house all the time, it shouldn’t be too hard to get a job out in the fields. maybe i could feed the pigs? i have some experience in that now! yes, i’ll go with the pigs. regular meals will be sweet, you know, if he’s up for that. no worries if he’s not. maybe i’ll even get to sleep in the barn…”
nowhere in his mind does he believe he’s going to be accepted back into the household. and yet, here comes his dad, flying down the pathway, arms open and ready to deck his kid out. homeboy gets a party!
i grew up believing that God didn’t actually want to give good things to anyone. more specifically, me i don’t know if i can pinpoint exactly where i got that from, maybe it was my lutheran school either way, i thought that with God there were two options;
1. don’t do anything bad, and stay off God’s radar
2. do something bad, and God is coming for you
yup, that’s about it. there weren’t other options in my head. it wasn’t until my second year in college, after sangeetha had left us, that something else sunk in. it was literally the week after she had passed away. i managed to survive finals by some miracle. honestly, it was a miracle. our chapter of IVCF was headed out on a spring break retreat. i seriously considered cancelling, but then i considered the alternative; a week of crying myself senseless at home. so i went.
we studied the book of hosea, a relatively obscure old testament book. it was revolutionary for me. the whole book is full of allusions to God’s desire to pour love out on people. there is so much beautiful imagery about vitality and restoration. i needed it so badly at that point in my life. the seed was planted, and i started to believe that just maybe, God wanted to do more than just ignore or punish me.
it’s been quite a journey ever since. but in my dark moments, i always forget this lesson. i retreat from who i am, and assume that nothing good was meant to come my way. i realized last night that nothing is really going wrong in my life right now, yet, i’m incredibly stressed. i’m living inside a false reality. i don’t remember that i’m loved, that i asked for all of these things and that seeing them come to pass is a beautiful and tremendous thing. God does want good things for me
how do i let myself believe what is right in front of me? how do i stop expecting bad things to happen? how do i fully embrace my true identity?
draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. i think i’ll start there
the art of having fun
i am a competitive person. i’m much more competitive than i’d like to be, honestly.
at the same time, i absolutely balk at the idea of failure. i can’t stand not being good at something right away.
this is an untenable coupling of beliefs.
in effect, these two ideas working together lead me to freeze up. especially when i’m around monsieur.
he is very good at things. he’s also very patient with himself, and has developed the skills i speak of (snowboarding, scuba diving, etc.) with years of practice and lessons and experience.
oh yea, i’m talking about snowboarding.
see, i went snowboarding for the first time when i was back in college. a bunch of my friends and i decided to tag along with some big-time snowboarders to try it out. of course our friend sam turned out to be a brilliant snowboarder (he totally underplayed his previous experience) which left temi, lucy and myself alone to fend for ourselves on the mountain. mind you, we weren’t on a bunny slope. it was an actual, substantial run. at this point, there are no options left. you have to get down the mountain. so we started to snowboard. and we were terrible! haha, surprise, surprise right? but what’s even weirder is…i loved it! lucy and i were falling in the most extraordinary ways every few feet. temi hated it from the first minute we started. but the speed, the rush of the wind in my face, the snow, the beauty of the mountain, my God…i was in love with it. i felt so slick for the few seconds i would be able to stand on the board and pick up enormous amounts of speed. seriously, my entire strategy consisted of picking up an insane amount of speed and then wiping out in extravagant fashion. i did start developing a bit of a turn by the end of it, but mostly i would turn really sharply or stop altogether and start over. this was no shaun white level shredding. but i had the time of my life.
i went once more in california, and pulled off about the same level of non-skill. it was still incredibly fun. and i was better at it than my little brother!!!! that was quite an accomplishment for me i still ate it off the lift every. single. time. but the same thrill of the mountain was there. there was something so freeing and fun about that board.
now let’s jump to last year. i went snowboarding with monsieur for the first time. i was excited, but really nervous as it had been years since i’d gone. unfortunately, it was an absolute disaster. gone was the fun feeling of cruising down the mountain. gone was the freedom to eat it every now and then to get up laughing. gone was the excitement of trying again and again to find a new way to get down that hill. instead, i ended up crying. i was so frustrated and angry at myself for not having any skillzzz anymore. (yea, that’s how you spell it in regards to snowboarding, i looked it up). and the worst part is, i felt like such a buzzkill to monsieur. how could he possibly be enjoying himself?! there i was, whining and complaining and getting angrier and angrier the entire way down. so i let him do a run by himself. and i cried it out at the bottom of the hill. we tried one more time….and nope, it didn’t go any better. i hated it. i was so mad that i hated it. i wanted to love it again so badly!
so what happened? well, this is what brings me back to the first two points in this post. i don’t like being bad at things, especially in front of the fiance. i wanted to show off! i really thought i’d be decent! nothing panned out as i had expected. i was horrible!!!
also, i wanted to be better than him. ok, that one’s truly ridiculous. he’s been on a mountain a million more times than me, and yet, i wanted to compete. and i honestly felt like he must be so annoyed that he had to slow down and wait for me every 5 seconds.
here’s the truth of it. he actually really wants to snowboard with me. shocking, right? the guy puts a ring on my finger and suddenly HE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME. this just cannot be. he must obviously want to shred down the mountain like an x games boarder! why would he want to chill and have a lovely day on the mountain with this chick he’s trying to marry??
he also had the ludicrous suggestion that taking a snowboarding lesson (an action i immediately equated with defeat) might make the whole thing more fun. fun?! who’s here to have fun!?! i’m here to crush people!!!
(sigh)
i just have to laugh at myself.
so this weekend, i’m going to take a snowboarding lesson. i’m going to actually LEARN how to do this properly. and then i’m going to enjoy a wonderful day with my wonderful fiance while i try to put those lessons into practice. i’m going to enjoy the clear, beautiful winter weather (faux-winter, if you will), i’m going to drink in the sunshine and i’m going to have a fantastic time.
even if i don’t demolish monsieur on a half-pipe.
